Egypt Initiation Journey: Pyramid, Pantheon and Awakening
Seeking Structure Inside Instability
After leaving hospital and separating from my wife, I was not standing on solid ground. Outwardly I functioned, but internally I felt fractured and exposed. We had loved each other deeply, yet we both knew that staying together would only prolong something that had already broken. Letting go was painful, but necessary. It left me alone with myself in a way I had never been before.
In that space of separation, I did not feel enlightened or free. I felt uncertain, destabilised and desperate to understand what had happened to my mind. Egypt did not begin as a calling. It began as a search for structure inside something that felt as though it was slipping beyond my control.
Refuge in Stone
In the months after the separation, I threw myself into working with crystals. I travelled around the south of the country visiting crystal shops and fairs, gradually building a collection. Those shops became places of relief. The moment I stepped inside, something in my nervous system softened. It felt like walking into a quiet space where nothing was demanding an answer from me.
.Certain stones felt familiar in a way I could not explain. When I found the crystals I still work with today, the sensation was immediate and deeply personal. It felt like safety, like hugging a friend. Whether that recognition belonged to memory, symbolism or something deeper within the psyche, I did not know. What mattered was that I felt steadier holding them than I did navigating my own thoughts.
Those spaces were not about collecting objects. They were about finding anchors. When my mind felt unreliable, stone felt solid. When my thoughts spiralled, weight and texture grounded me in something physical and tangible.
. Reprogramming Myself
I began spending hours meditating with the crystals, not in pursuit of transcendence but in an attempt to repair what felt broken. I experienced my mind as something that needed recalibrating. Negative thought patterns looped through me, and I believed that if I could understand their structure, I could dismantle them.
I became focused on balance between masculine and feminine energies, trying to interpret my anxiety through metaphysical language. When I sensed imbalance, I framed it as a rupture between goddess and God, between receptive and active forces. That framework gave me something to work with, but it also amplified the sense that something fundamental inside me had fractured.
The process felt like self-therapy. I was not battling demons in the theatrical sense, but I was attempting to reprogram the way my mind responded to fear. Some days it felt contained. Other days it felt like I was rearranging pieces without fully understanding the blueprint.
Drawn to Egypt
As my work with crystals deepened, I became increasingly drawn to Egyptian magic and the pantheon. Egypt represented order, symbolism and ancient structure. In contrast to my own instability, it seemed solid and immovable. I signed up for a course in Egypt that promised initiations into the Egyptian pantheon, telling myself that deeper understanding would bring clarity.
On arrival, I discovered that the retreat was held in a private house directly facing the Sphinx and the Great Pyramid. Standing on the balcony for the first time, I felt exposed rather than empowered. The scale of what I was looking at was immense. These were not symbolic ideas on a page. They were physical monuments built for death, transcendence and eternity.
Part of me was overwhelmed, yet another part felt compelled to stay. I could not look away. The environment heightened my system immediately. The vastness did not calm me; it stretched me.
Learning to Contain Noise
The next morning we began meditating. I asked the guide how I was supposed to relax in a place filled with sound and movement, so different from my quiet routines at home. She told me that everything I could hear was part of reality, and that I did not need to block it out, only integrate it.
At first that instruction unsettled me. I was used to trying to control my environment to stabilise my mind. Allowing noise rather than resisting it felt risky, as though I was lowering a defence. Yet over the next few days I began to understand that control was not the same as containment.
The rituals provided temporary steadiness. For moments at a time, I felt held within structure rather than lost inside expansion. But underneath that steadiness, my identity still felt fluid, as though something larger was pressing against the boundaries of who I thought I was.
Exposure to Scale
During the retreat we visited sacred sites around Cairo and travelled into the desert. I galloped across sand toward an ancient pyramid that was not open to the public, paying a backsheesh to a guard in order to enter. The experience did not feel like tourism; it felt charged, almost clandestine.
Walking alone into the pyramid, climbing through narrow openings and descending into inner chambers, I became acutely aware of my own smallness. The air was close, the stone heavy. As I moved deeper, the light from the entrance shrank behind me. When I reached the central chamber, often referred to as the death chamber, I stood alone in silence that felt dense rather than peaceful.
In that space I felt both amplified and disoriented. Something in me recognised the symbolism immediately. It stirred ideas of past lives and ancient memory, and that recognition felt powerful, but not stable. It did not ground me; it expanded me. I left Egypt changed, but not settled. If anything, something had opened further.
The expansion I experienced did not bring steadiness, and what followed exposed deeper layers of instability.
“Egypt – Mirrors and Instability (Part 2)”
“Canada – Light Without Rest (Part 2)”
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