Return to Peru: The Mountain and Dissolution
Introduction
When I returned from my first journey to Peru, the ceremony did not dissolve quietly into memory. Outwardly, life resumed its familiar rhythm, yet inwardly something felt slightly unsealed. It was not the visions that stayed with me most strongly, but the vulnerability that followed them, as though a door in my awareness had been opened wider than I yet knew how to contain.
Although I was functioning and moving through daily life, beneath that surface was a quiet unease. I did not feel broken, yet I did not feel fully anchored either. Something within me had shifted, and before I could move forward, I knew I needed to understand what had been opened.
The Lingering Opening
In the weeks that followed, I realised that what unsettled me most was not what I had seen during the ceremony, but what I had felt. My sense of identity seemed slightly stretched, as though the boundaries that normally held my perception in place had thinned. The fear was not dramatic or explosive, yet it was persistent, sitting beneath ordinary conversations and daily routines.
It was subtle enough that others would not have noticed, yet strong enough that I could not ignore it. I questioned whether I had opened a level of awareness that I was not yet stable enough to hold. The thought did not send me into panic, but it lingered long enough to convince me that I needed guidance before taking another step.
Seeking Containment
Eventually I sought out a shaman in Scotland and described everything in detail, from the intensity of the purge to the lingering sense that something had been left unfinished. I spoke plainly, without exaggeration, explaining that my awareness felt wider than my stability.
After listening carefully, he said something that changed the tone of everything for me. Many practitioners, he explained, open people with ayahuasca, yet not all close them properly. The relief I felt in that moment was immediate and physical. For the first time since returning home, I felt understood rather than fragile.
Closing What Was Opened
Instead of returning straight to ayahuasca, we worked with San Pedro, a gentler plant teacher, and used marijuana deliberately as part of the process. The work was steady and measured, nothing like the intensity of the jungle ceremony. There were no overwhelming descents into darkness, only containment, conversation and gradual recalibration.
Over several days, we spoke openly about the paranoia and anxiety that had accompanied my awakening, about how my mind could amplify fear once it sensed uncertainty. As we worked, I felt the stretched edges of my awareness begin to draw back into place. The shift was quiet but unmistakable, like a door being closed gently rather than forced shut.
Recognition Without Inflation
As steadiness returned, another awareness surfaced, this time without destabilising me. I began to sense that my identity might extend beyond this single lifetime. The thought did not feel grand or inflated; it felt familiar, almost inconvenient, as though I was remembering something rather than discovering it.
Yet even that recognition came with caution. If consciousness extended across lifetimes, then fear and responsibility did as well. I did not chase the idea or build narratives around it. Instead, I held it quietly, allowing it to sit without inflating it into something it was not.
Returning from Steadiness
When I left Scotland, I felt more contained than I had since before the jungle ceremony. The anxiety no longer gripped in the same way, and the paranoia had softened into something manageable. I was not transformed overnight, yet something that had been left open was now properly closed, and that quiet containment changed how I viewed what came next.
I stayed in contact with Hugla, and eventually we agreed that I would return to Peru. This time the journey would not be part of a filmed expedition or a loosely structured search. We would organise our own trek into the mountains and deeper into the jungle, continuing the pursuit of what had once been imagined as El Dorado, the lost city spoken of in legend.
The intention, however, had shifted. I was no longer travelling to prove anything to myself or to chase intensity. I was returning with greater awareness, knowing that whatever we sought outwardly in the landscape would mirror something within me. The second journey into the jungle would test that steadiness in ways I did not yet fully understand.
As stability slowly returned, the journey shifted from containment into endurance and embodied integration.
Peru Return – Endurance and Integration (Part 2)
Ceremony and Descent (Part 2)
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